ex girlfriends r the WORSTTTTTTT
PADE + RAY = PRAY (new Era)
I think the reason we fall in love is to teach ourselves to trust our gut about someone. Sometimes the perfect situation is in your hands and the only way to let it happen is to trust when you have no reason; to believe it could work out. It's hard being hopeful when you're heartbroken. It's easier to stay cold. to stop feeling is to die. Why do we as a species chase death so early?Like it doesn't come for everything anyway.
👽👾👀❤💟💃💀💏💥💦💟💞😏😸🙈
how to tell when its okay to trust someone
I miss innocence in love. Now I have PTSD lmfao. This is no one's fault but god's really. I date a girl, she dates me, she freaks out, I get clingy. I've told this story in a thousand ways, and no one's gonna stop me from telling it again. I don't think i'm done talking about it, there's still so much I never told anyone. We all have our outlets and healing rates. I'm sick of pretending like I'm always over things. Sometimes it still sucks. But I have found da real people who r real enough to see that side of me and support me regardless.
OVERPADE GAVE HIS EX CHLAMYDIA.
man that bullshit, we both got it the same night. tbh it scared me deeply. when she came w/ da news i was like "???" cus she was the only one i was wit out there, nd even shawty I was wit before i left to go see her was clean, so shit (open relation). I figured that neva came from me. but there's actually a lot of science behind sex I never knew about. and i was hittin raw in those days, wasn't really a condom guy till that and stuff that happened later lol.
it hurt me when i found out she flipped the story though. like damn really fr this what u telling ur friends...wtf lmfoaoao. but anyone who knows me knows im not the inconsiderate type, and even when we went through that I kept my mouth shut about it cus i thought we MUTUALLY agreed that it was contexed with the situation of those hairy dirty hotel sheets. that's when my older brother's lesson of "They're Not Really Yours" started to hit different.
i think what really set me off about it was the fact that it came back up into my life out of the blue and by her friend's hand. meaning my existence got so frustrating for her, her friend had to bring themselves into it and start calling me names. real mean ones, like the ones u say to an abusive ex or a dog beater.
and i didn't deserve that. truthfully. especially when i was minding my business lolol. i don't always expect peace or for people to understand, but i'm cool with literally every ex i've had except for that one lololol. so i'm not too sure im the problem here. and even if i was...
why tf r u saying that in my comments.... 0_0
Truthfully. the facts are facts. and truthfully. You hurt my feelings. But i forgive you.
We know not what we do unto each other.
Tis the cost of HUMANITY!!!!!
forgiveness isnt forgetting though. and every day i ask myself why haven't i forgave and forgot. but fuck that. u dont forget the important bits just cus they hurt or just cus it didnt work out. these were still character-forming moments, and there was real joy at a point.
But have I really forgiven anyone or do I just have to now because of all the time that's passed? I have to ask myself. Am I truly okay with whats happened? have I made my peace? I think we all know the answer is no, but that's why I'm here. by not writing and talking and rapping and singing about this, I was avoiding the inevitable. I tried to leave this all in the dust, but something keeps bringing me back to our history. It was torture at first. but I think i understand why it's happened like this for me now.
If i don't make my peace and be honest with myself i'll pay for it later. idk how but i will. so here:
I think she deserves karma. I hope she gets some version of what I felt but that may be asking too much. I think the reason my mind won't forgive is because we hate just taking L's with no getback. granted, OVA was a little bit of satisfaction for the ego, but im still at square 1. I think we're still very mad at her as a unit, and respect her less for her character change. I also think that it's not her fault, as trauma shapes who we are in the worst moments sometimes. I also think it is her fault, and such a dickhead move to lie about what happened. I think she doesn't respect me, and that's a huge turnoff. She doesn't get my why, our core values are different it seems. I want the world to show her who I am, so I don't do it directly. I trust the Divine with that mission.
its never been "fuck you" to anyone but my dad and stepmom. even then i forgave them after a couple years. My stepmom more than my dad tbh. crazy right lmao. my point is, it's really hard for me to turn my back on people. I don't think im supposed to.
Some people (me) say she's not worth the brain space or effort. I say,
maybe not, but i can't really control it anyway. I don't think my extra feeling makes me weak, i think it lets me see a person for who they are fr. so it makes me stronger. im gonna keep feeling. even if its anger, sadness, lust, regret, or any other capital human experience. im gonna keep feeling.
so yeah, if she had a genuine conversation with me, even after all this, i could find space in my heart to forgive her. but i don't think i can forgive her until she does something so genuine it baffles me. Honesty is the best policy. We hide and lie from each other to seal away our insecurities and deep demons. but we all have fear monsters so, what're we really protecting? ourselves or the fear?
I think maybe in a couple years i'll get a message from an unsaved number, and it'll be her. and ill answer it, we'll chop it up for a second, and that'll be the closure for the chapter. or maybe i never hear from her again and now it's just one more person out there with knowledge of my soul pattern. so federal.
I HAVE FEELINGS FOR A NEW BEING
meet ray ray 88 :3
ray has been such a big help behind the scenes to not only my passions but as well as to me. it was hard for me to imagine trusting or letting somebody in again so soon, but ray made it easy for me. September likes ray a lot. More than you can imagine. we all do. <3
ITS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO LOVE AGAIN
it starts with yourself. i truly wasn't looking for another love relationship experience, but life gives me sign this is here to stay. if it can grow and change apart from you there will always be a way to connect. if it only lives when you're there to see it, are you sure it's living at all?
who knows, maybe one cold evening itll all fall apart.
but whos to say the bliss cant get sweeter?
doesnt tragedy bring us together?
love because you can
because you should.
grand rising. enjoy your almost-fall. 🍂
love you,
Mother Nature
September's Spirit
