you get worse as a person as you get older i think (true growth)

FEBUARY 18, 2025 (UNFINISHED ENTRY)

A DIALOGUE BETWEEN MICHAEL , MALACHI, AND HIS MENTAL HEALTH

- the heart mind

its almost like its one giant circle.. like ive never even changed at all, regardless of the infinite amounts of efforts i've been putting into my craft and life. i feel defeated. mooji would say the "i" is the ego and the defeat is resolvement. i dont care what it is anymore. apathy is a big thing in my life as of today as of yesterday, as of this new older version of michael. i dont want the little bit of good i have in my life to end, for i would be crushed as well.

im aching, beyond tired. i dont know how to rest. i dont remember how i ever felt okay while doing this. its all just cope and im spiraling as i write this. ill wake up tomorrow and feel more ignorant but it wont change the fact that im scared of losing everything. this world works on knowing a guy, but that doesnt work when you know what handouts truly are

how have i chained myself. i ask questions only god knows the answer to, and i cant hear her voice anymoore.

but maybe i was always talking to myself.

lol. time to get deep. 

IS INSECURITY SELF HARM? 3/16/25

Imposter syndrome seems to convince you that your accomplishments are unearned and your circumstances are all your fault. This mindset neglect to mention the chemistry of the world , the society we exist in, the forgiveness of ignorance, and the replacement of knowledge as we age and change. of course you wont be the same person, in fact i believe i am new every passing moment of time. we never get that version of ourselves back, as soon as we notice the moment, it is already gone. 

So why does my mind get so hinged on needing critical analysis to feel right? to feel "correct" is a concept that can honestly never be fulfilled, as a perfectionist's version of correct is, well, "perfect". Perfection isn't unreachable, you just have to define what's "perfect" to you but even that can be more harmful than good. 

THE MIND EATS YOU BECAUSE IT IS HUNGRY

I started examining the need to be perfect and it actually stems from a deep well of inadequacy. I have fears like anyone else, but my fears have never been realized as fears until this point in my life. I always knew i had parental abandonment issues, i dont have a parent to guide me through this life i've created for myself, and everything i experience with family is... tricky. I love being myself, but sometimes it can cause conflictions between me and my mother, the only parent i still really have respect and love for. It causes a lot of fear in me, fear that eventually, ill be wrong for showing myself in a way i love to do. I havent had a real plan for myself, i was fumbling through life waiting for something to pick me up and guide me with angel wings. to my surprise, i guided myself into a hole of severe mental turmoil. every bad thing ur not supposed to do i basically did it. used weed to cope, started drinking more, stopped journaling, wasnt meditating, was overworking myself, was not sleeping, and wasnt being emotionally intellegent at all. it was an era of self sabatoge, my brain felt i didnt deserve these good things in my life, because i wasnt putting in enormous amounts of effort. but i eventually learned i got these things by climbing a mountain and i was trying to continuously climb higher ones to feel like i deserve the love. all i needed to do was sit there and an answer would surely come. but climb i did.

its hard, being me. i am unlike anyone i know really. i know people who think like me or who maybe believe the same things i do, but obviously, ive never met myself. i was working on a perceived notion of my physicality, and honestly lost some knowledge about my true self because of my participation in the rat race. i finally went to turn around to look at myself and i couldn't recognize him.

i talk to myself in the mirror and he always sounds so sure of himself. my anxiety mind became my main body and my confidence became subconsious. i dont know when i made the switch but it was very obviously killing my spirit. i create out of love of the art and because i just want to make something that sounds good. i listen to my own music more than a lot of my favorite artists nowadays. most of the music on my spotify playlists are stuff ive found while searching for a feeling, and now when i listen, i have the context of my past.

its troubling, but it taught me a lot about myself.

i am emotionally intellegent, im street smart, book smart, unique minded, strong willed, and a very handsome pretty individual. but i lose all of that when i start to believe the idea of working to feel something. working to feel fulfilled. i didnt love myself the way i thought i did. my love for myself was circumstantial. every time i messed up, did something i didnt like, the love would dissapear and instead of giving to me, id give it to my partner. i feel ive made my partner realize im not a fairy tale, but a twisted mind. i was told something along the lines of "i love you, but i cant be your mother."

something clicked....

at first it made me mad. i was insulted by the fact i was being perceived as weak and needy, but mostly i was haunted by the fact that i never got over my childhood wounds. it was scary to see how that could creep back up, but what really shocked me was the conversation i had with myself afterwards. although i was frustrated because i never explicitly asked for emotional support i realized maybe i didnt need it. 

maybe i was better off, internally processing. people love when i express a meltdown in the form of music, or some other art form. but when its just me losing control of my emotions with no catharsis, it becomes unhealthy, disliked, unlovable. i realized all love is circumstantial, except for my own. that is the only love i could truly count on to always see me for who i am without making me feel worse for trying to learn how to live. its not my fault i am this way, but i will do my best to not harm others out of the need to be myself. maybe the emotions, thoughts, feelings, arent me, sure. but they are apart of me. they live inside my body and i cannot ignore them. so maybe isolation is something i need more than anything. 

maybe i knew all along, people are dangerous and so am i

before i would isolate to forget about the outside world. now i isolate to know i am safe. no one can hurt me and if its just me i can take it. my mind is troubled but still loves me. that is why it screams so loud and hurts my feelings because it wants me to make the "right" choices, say the "right" words and do the "right" things. 

i need to accept me for who i am right now as i write this. ive been working on it. i read Vagabond and had an aha moment that i cant put into words. i havent felt as close to my partner as i have to myself but that may just be circumstance. im trying to move. i will move. i will get a home that i love. but for now. ...

me irl

i must suffer. i must embody artistry.

all good art comes from pain.

i love you, michael

this one is dedicated

to you <3.

me irl

p.s. you cant force it. as much as u hate it, your fates in gods hands.

the universe knows you are ready, show yourself what you are capable of.

selfishness is freedom (OLD)

little did he know...this year would kick his entire ass... #RIP #RESPAWN

i wanna be free. and i don't mean the store bought type of free. i want to be free to resolve any and all limitations within myself & my life without the overbearing press of social anxiety, capitalism, feelings of inferiority, and everything else that comes with existing at a time like now. i dont think im alone when i say a lot of us are past fed up with the way things operate in our current world structure. i hate to kick a dead horse with this next point but, TikTok becoming virtually the most effective way to survive as a content creator period is insane. i dont think we should be charging for a thing like creativity- i dont think we should be charging for anything at all but that's besides the point. i dont know, for a long time it just felt like i was a newspaper boy trying to shout over the other newspaper boys on the corner.

but i want to be free. free of the weight of living under a roof hoping to leave it. i feel as if i always end up wanting to leave wherever i move to, mostly because of outside circumstances. this time i want my own space, my own galaxy. i want to move to mars with andromeda on my arm and a studio underneath the bedroom. i want my own room so i can decorate my walls and create uninterrupted. so i can have a home frl. ive been sharing my spaces foreveerrrrr. since i was a kid dude. and i am so over it, i want my own stuff! 

to be free you must break your chains; suffering is wishing your desire will obey your will. true freedom begins in the mind. this is difficult to practice, as one can imagine. i do try to remember what i can, but as of recently i keep getting surprised attacked by my mind, the beautiful bastard. i want to be free. i want to lock my door and stay in my room alone all day. i love my brother but, i want to be free. i want to ... 

man this growing up thing is hard. i had hoped things would change before it got noticeable. i keep itching my face and i dont know how to solve my eczema. nothing works anymore. i keep crashing through brick walls. i hope my newsletter does well. i really wish i really wish i really wish for a giant lucky golden fish. its V-Day soon, almost time for loverboy s2. this is the first year ive had a genuine valentine though. im happy about that. and im happy im learning to let people in and trust people. its like im almost human, hehe. 0_0.

FREEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEE SEEEEEMOOOOOOURRRRRR 

anywayZ. i been thinkning about my future and honestly brooo idk  how imma get therebut i know im destined for the typa greatness they write in the history bookZ. right now though!!! i need help. 

a Divine blessing

a  big bank roll

a hug :-{

2/10/24 5:52PM

penny for your thoughts: last relationship 🍂⚡🥀

 ex girlfriends r the WORSTTTTTTT   

PADE + RAY = PRAY       (new Era)

I think the reason we fall in love is to teach ourselves to trust our gut about someone. Sometimes the perfect situation is in your hands and the only way to let it happen is to trust when you have no reason; to believe it could work out. It's hard being hopeful when you're heartbroken. It's easier to stay cold. to stop feeling is to die. Why do we as a species chase death so early?

Like it doesn't come for everything anyway.

👽👾👀❤💟💃💀💏💥💦💟💞😏😸🙈

how to tell when its okay to trust someone

I miss innocence in love. Now I have PTSD lmfao. This is no one's fault but god's really. I date a girl, she dates me, she freaks out, I get clingy. I've told this story in a thousand ways, and no one's gonna stop me from telling it again. I don't think i'm done talking about it, there's still so much I never told anyone. We all have our outlets and healing rates. I'm sick of pretending like I'm always over things. Sometimes it still sucks. But I have found da real people who r real enough to see that side of me and support me regardless.

OVERPADE GAVE HIS EX CHLAMYDIA.

man that bullshit, we both got it the same night. tbh it scared me deeply. when she came w/ da news i was like "???" cus she was the only one i was wit out there, nd even shawty I was wit before i left to go see her was clean, so shit (open relation). I figured that neva came from me. but there's actually a lot of science behind sex I never knew about. and i was hittin raw in those days, wasn't really a condom guy till that and stuff that happened later lol.

it hurt me when i found out she flipped the story though. like damn really fr this what u telling ur friends...wtf lmfoaoao. but anyone who knows me knows im not the inconsiderate type, and even when we went through that I kept my mouth shut about it cus i thought we MUTUALLY agreed that it was contexed with the situation of those hairy dirty hotel sheets. that's when my older brother's lesson of "They're Not Really Yours" started to hit different. 

i think what really set me off about it was the fact that it came back up into my life out of the blue and by her friend's hand. meaning my existence got so frustrating for her, her friend had to bring themselves into it and start calling me names. real mean ones, like the ones u say to an abusive ex or a dog beater. 

and i didn't deserve that. truthfully. especially when i was minding my business lolol. i don't always expect peace or for people to understand, but i'm cool with literally every ex i've had except for that one lololol. so i'm not too sure im the problem here. and even if i was... 

why tf r u saying that in my comments.... 0_0

Truthfully. the facts are facts. and truthfully. You hurt my feelings. But i forgive you.

We know not what we do unto each other.

Tis the cost of  HUMANITY!!!!!

forgiveness isnt forgetting though. and every day i ask myself why haven't i forgave and forgot. but fuck that. u dont forget the important bits just cus they hurt or just cus it didnt work out. these were still character-forming moments, and there was real joy at a point. 

But have I really forgiven anyone or do I just have to now because of all the time that's passed? I have to ask myself. Am I truly okay with whats happened? have I made my peace? I think we all know the answer is no, but that's why I'm here. by not writing and talking and rapping and singing about this, I was avoiding the inevitable. I tried to leave this all in the dust, but something keeps bringing me back to our history. It was torture at first. but I think i understand why it's happened like this for me now. 

If i don't make my peace and be honest with myself i'll pay for it later. idk how but i will. so here:

I think she deserves karma. I hope she gets some version of what I felt but that may be asking too much. I think the reason my mind won't forgive is because we hate just taking L's with no getback. granted, OVA was a little bit of satisfaction for the ego, but im still at square 1. I think we're still very mad at her as a unit, and respect her less for her character change. I also think that it's not her fault, as trauma shapes who we are in the worst moments sometimes. I also think it is her fault, and such a dickhead move to lie about what happened. I think she doesn't respect me, and that's a huge turnoff. She doesn't get my why, our core values are different it seems. I want the world to show her who I am, so I don't do it directly. I trust the Divine with that mission.

its never been "fuck you" to anyone but my dad and stepmom. even then i forgave them after a couple years. My stepmom more than my dad tbh. crazy right lmao. my point is, it's really hard for me to turn my back on people. I don't think im supposed to. Some people (me) say she's not worth the brain space or effort. I say, maybe not, but i can't really control it anyway. I don't think my extra feeling makes me weak, i think it lets me see a person for who they are fr. so it makes me stronger. im gonna keep feeling. even if its anger, sadness, lust, regret, or any other capital human experience. im gonna keep feeling.

so yeah, if she had a genuine conversation with me, even after all this, i could find space in my heart to forgive her. but i don't think i can forgive her until she does something so genuine it baffles me. Honesty is the best policy. We hide and lie from each other to seal away our insecurities and deep demons. but we all have fear monsters so, what're we really protecting? ourselves or the fear?

I think maybe in a couple years i'll get a message from an unsaved number, and it'll be her. and ill answer it, we'll chop it up for a second, and that'll be the closure for the chapter. or maybe i never hear from her again and now it's just one more person out there with knowledge of my soul pattern. so federal.

I HAVE FEELINGS FOR A NEW BEING

  meet ray ray 88 :3

ray has been such a big help behind the scenes to not only my passions but as well as to me. it was hard for me to imagine trusting or letting somebody in again so soon, but ray made it easy for me. September likes ray a lot. More than you can imagine. we all do. <3

ITS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO LOVE AGAIN

it starts with yourself. i truly wasn't looking for another love relationship experience, but life gives me sign this is here to stay. if it can grow and change apart from you there will always be a way to connect. if it only lives when you're there to see it, are you sure it's living at all? 

who knows, maybe one cold evening itll all fall apart.

but whos to say the bliss cant get sweeter?

doesnt tragedy bring us together?

love because you can

because you should.

grand rising. enjoy your almost-fall. 🍂

love you, 

Mother Nature

September's Spirit