you get worse as a person as you get older i think (true growth)

FEBUARY 18, 2025 (UNFINISHED ENTRY)

A DIALOGUE BETWEEN MICHAEL , MALACHI, AND HIS MENTAL HEALTH

- the heart mind

its almost like its one giant circle.. like ive never even changed at all, regardless of the infinite amounts of efforts i've been putting into my craft and life. i feel defeated. mooji would say the "i" is the ego and the defeat is resolvement. i dont care what it is anymore. apathy is a big thing in my life as of today as of yesterday, as of this new older version of michael. i dont want the little bit of good i have in my life to end, for i would be crushed as well.

im aching, beyond tired. i dont know how to rest. i dont remember how i ever felt okay while doing this. its all just cope and im spiraling as i write this. ill wake up tomorrow and feel more ignorant but it wont change the fact that im scared of losing everything. this world works on knowing a guy, but that doesnt work when you know what handouts truly are

how have i chained myself. i ask questions only god knows the answer to, and i cant hear her voice anymoore.

but maybe i was always talking to myself.

lol. time to get deep. 

IS INSECURITY SELF HARM? 3/16/25

Imposter syndrome seems to convince you that your accomplishments are unearned and your circumstances are all your fault. This mindset neglect to mention the chemistry of the world , the society we exist in, the forgiveness of ignorance, and the replacement of knowledge as we age and change. of course you wont be the same person, in fact i believe i am new every passing moment of time. we never get that version of ourselves back, as soon as we notice the moment, it is already gone. 

So why does my mind get so hinged on needing critical analysis to feel right? to feel "correct" is a concept that can honestly never be fulfilled, as a perfectionist's version of correct is, well, "perfect". Perfection isn't unreachable, you just have to define what's "perfect" to you but even that can be more harmful than good. 

THE MIND EATS YOU BECAUSE IT IS HUNGRY

I started examining the need to be perfect and it actually stems from a deep well of inadequacy. I have fears like anyone else, but my fears have never been realized as fears until this point in my life. I always knew i had parental abandonment issues, i dont have a parent to guide me through this life i've created for myself, and everything i experience with family is... tricky. I love being myself, but sometimes it can cause conflictions between me and my mother, the only parent i still really have respect and love for. It causes a lot of fear in me, fear that eventually, ill be wrong for showing myself in a way i love to do. I havent had a real plan for myself, i was fumbling through life waiting for something to pick me up and guide me with angel wings. to my surprise, i guided myself into a hole of severe mental turmoil. every bad thing ur not supposed to do i basically did it. used weed to cope, started drinking more, stopped journaling, wasnt meditating, was overworking myself, was not sleeping, and wasnt being emotionally intellegent at all. it was an era of self sabatoge, my brain felt i didnt deserve these good things in my life, because i wasnt putting in enormous amounts of effort. but i eventually learned i got these things by climbing a mountain and i was trying to continuously climb higher ones to feel like i deserve the love. all i needed to do was sit there and an answer would surely come. but climb i did.

its hard, being me. i am unlike anyone i know really. i know people who think like me or who maybe believe the same things i do, but obviously, ive never met myself. i was working on a perceived notion of my physicality, and honestly lost some knowledge about my true self because of my participation in the rat race. i finally went to turn around to look at myself and i couldn't recognize him.

i talk to myself in the mirror and he always sounds so sure of himself. my anxiety mind became my main body and my confidence became subconsious. i dont know when i made the switch but it was very obviously killing my spirit. i create out of love of the art and because i just want to make something that sounds good. i listen to my own music more than a lot of my favorite artists nowadays. most of the music on my spotify playlists are stuff ive found while searching for a feeling, and now when i listen, i have the context of my past.

its troubling, but it taught me a lot about myself.

i am emotionally intellegent, im street smart, book smart, unique minded, strong willed, and a very handsome pretty individual. but i lose all of that when i start to believe the idea of working to feel something. working to feel fulfilled. i didnt love myself the way i thought i did. my love for myself was circumstantial. every time i messed up, did something i didnt like, the love would dissapear and instead of giving to me, id give it to my partner. i feel ive made my partner realize im not a fairy tale, but a twisted mind. i was told something along the lines of "i love you, but i cant be your mother."

something clicked....

at first it made me mad. i was insulted by the fact i was being perceived as weak and needy, but mostly i was haunted by the fact that i never got over my childhood wounds. it was scary to see how that could creep back up, but what really shocked me was the conversation i had with myself afterwards. although i was frustrated because i never explicitly asked for emotional support i realized maybe i didnt need it. 

maybe i was better off, internally processing. people love when i express a meltdown in the form of music, or some other art form. but when its just me losing control of my emotions with no catharsis, it becomes unhealthy, disliked, unlovable. i realized all love is circumstantial, except for my own. that is the only love i could truly count on to always see me for who i am without making me feel worse for trying to learn how to live. its not my fault i am this way, but i will do my best to not harm others out of the need to be myself. maybe the emotions, thoughts, feelings, arent me, sure. but they are apart of me. they live inside my body and i cannot ignore them. so maybe isolation is something i need more than anything. 

maybe i knew all along, people are dangerous and so am i

before i would isolate to forget about the outside world. now i isolate to know i am safe. no one can hurt me and if its just me i can take it. my mind is troubled but still loves me. that is why it screams so loud and hurts my feelings because it wants me to make the "right" choices, say the "right" words and do the "right" things. 

i need to accept me for who i am right now as i write this. ive been working on it. i read Vagabond and had an aha moment that i cant put into words. i havent felt as close to my partner as i have to myself but that may just be circumstance. im trying to move. i will move. i will get a home that i love. but for now. ...

me irl

i must suffer. i must embody artistry.

all good art comes from pain.

i love you, michael

this one is dedicated

to you <3.

me irl

p.s. you cant force it. as much as u hate it, your fates in gods hands.

the universe knows you are ready, show yourself what you are capable of.